Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Come at me, Bro

Did you know that insurance underwriters absolutely freak out if you have a "Beware of Dog" sign?  It's because people, people being lawyers, figure that if you have one up and your dog Fluffy turns out to be a three headed man-eating monster, you knew Fluffster was a man eater and are therefore more responsible when he eats someone's face off. 

Or loses it on the mailman because the guy's a jerk and keeps poking him with a stick.  Or nips a child that won't stop chasing him.  Or bites your father because he doesn't take warning growls seriously even though he knows the dog has been abused.   I mean, there are all kinds of reasons that dogs bite.    That "Beware of Dog" sign indicates you knew that your dog liked the taste of blood even when that wasn't what you meant at all.

I had a conversation today with an underwriter about one such sign and the 45 lb German Shepherd cowardly dog that lived in the house that had it posted.  Our insured's are going to take it down, and replace it with one that says "We have dogs, please don't open the stupid gate and let them run out under your feet like rats out of aqueduct."   It was at this point that I brought up that the way I figure it anyone stupid enough to come into my home uninvited deserved anything that happened to them. 

Let me set the scene by explaining to you what I'm dealing with.  I have Adele, the overly affectionate and cowardly nervous pisser I acquired at the city pound.  She weighs maybe 25 lbs, full of pee.   I have Remus J Lupin, otherwise known as RJ, who is my belligerent 16 lb Shitz Tzu who had the misfortune of living with my best friend when she was married to "Buzzard Balls".  He lost his temper with the dog and broke his back leg.  As a consequence, Rj has "daddy issues" that we've been working out, but if the burglar was wearing a ball cap and happened to be a skinny white guy with an aura of lazy bastard about him, he'd be doomed.  Finally, I have Dorcas, the 45-50 lb lab mix that found me at the office and has never met a stranger in her short life.   She also doesn't know how big she is.  Not a clue, that one.   Then there's me, fat, cowardly, wanna be pacifist with no firearms who already sleeps with a dagger beside her bed and has recently acquired a rusty sword.

Upon breaking and entering they would instantly trip over something because it is dark in my house at night.  I'm very proud of overcoming my fear of the dark.  No night lights.   Adele, Dorky, and Rj would charge into the living room or kitchen as the case may be to meet their new friend.  Del, absolutely beside herself with joy at the advent of this wondrous stranger would piss all over the floor, causing the man to slip and fall on his ass.   When he screamed  and yelled, Rj would be like "Come at me, bro!" and begin gnawing on his ankles and Dorky would climb on his chest and lick his face until he passed out or I came stumbling into the kitchen wielding my cell phone with the 911 operator on the phone in one hand and rusty sword I picked up at a garage sale in the other.

  If you come at me, you're gonna need a tetanus shot.
Did I mention my next door neighbor would probably be in your face with a gun before it was all over with?
Yeah, the way I figure it they pretty much deserve anything that happens to them if they break into this house.
Come at me, bro!


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