Tuesday, September 17, 2013

I hope God is proud of himself...

For turning me into a nicer person than I used to be.   On Monday, I absolutely excreted the milk of human kindness.   By the quart in every vein.   I was incredibly kind.    I had an perfect opportunity to make a tin foil hat wearing crazy person absolutely lose his shit.  It was rolled out in front of me like a golden edged red carpet with my name written on it.  

Alas, the voice inside my head that keeps me from doing fun things was whispering not only the traditional "Jesus will be pissed" line from high school that kept me out of prison but that it would not be kind to take this opportunity to completely freak out my most irritating and clinically insane (but functional!) customer ever.  

I'm a good girl I am!  

I should explain the context in which this occurs.  Generally speaking, I am a middle of the road mildly left of center Democrat.  So when I talked to people who are, well, right of right Republicans they like to call me a liberal, frequently with the word crazy in front of it.   I do not object to either term, but I wouldn't fit a real uber leftist's ideal either.  I just don't belong in the extreme end of much.  At the office, one of the things I work pretty hard at is making sure people feel comfortable talking to me.   That means that, while I certainly never appear to be anything other than a Christian,(it's kind of like trying to avoid giving off the impression that I am a white fat girl)  I don't have a cross on my office wall or religious sayings on my desktop etc etc.  I am nice to pagans, wiccans, Muslims, Hindus, Baptists, Roman Catholics, Buddhists, atheists and basically everyone who comes into my office and try to make sure I appear friendly and open if they bring up their own faith or lack of it.  I do the same thing with politics.  I don't lie about the way I feel but I don't bring it up and I don't berate people for their views and I try to be kind when they disagree with me.  I limit my snark to funny, gentle remarks to the contrary.  Always with a smile on my face.   Why?  Because I want people to be comfortable enough to talk to me in a way that doesn't involve lying about things that effect their coverage.

In other words, I am entirely selfish in my professionalism.  I don't want to miss anything.  I also don't want to have to listen to someone scream or cry because their coverage is cancelled because they lied on their insurance application.   It's just good form. 

Enter the crazy man: I am acquainted with a man here in Peyton Place who is convinced the government is full of goons who are trying to 'financially rape' him and likes to write ten page missives to government officials and insurance companies.  He once got into a car accident with a deer and wrote a small novel on the subject which he insisted be attached to a police report along with illustrations.  Little x's where the eyes should be because it was dead.  The little detail that the deer was crossing the road perchance to mate.    He has been sued for libel and my coworker refuses to set foot on his property because "it looks like a serial killer lives there".   He has calmed down in recent years but the other day I got to see him with the tin foil helmet on in full glory.

Someone had asked him for a roof exclusion.  He cancelled the policy himself instead, writing a three page missive to do it.  He quoted the founding fathers and detailed his glorious struggles with the liberal elite.  He comes into the office very happy to see me.  He then spends five minutes rattling off all the things I need to read or have my (non existent) children read.  A list of books and websites detailing the liberal communist fascist takeover of America. 

Then it happens.  He says the words "They tell you how liberals are destroying America."  Dear sweet Baby Jesus with that sweet little smile beginning to form a smirk.  He has met the enemy and it is ME.  I remain silent.  Internally I am biting my lip.  I am about to burst.  I consider telling him that yes, I am one of them, and we plan to have it done before the next election.  Lord, Lord, you'd better keep your arm around your shoulder and your hand over my mouth.  He keeps prattling on.  It just gets deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole.  There's forty steps to a communist takeover and 25 of them have already happened. (Oh God keep my mouth shut with your grace.)  You need to have your kids read this book, it will teach them how to think and open their minds up like never before. (Just remember to put tin foil on their heads to keep the aliens from reading their thoughts.)   Salvation!!  He has somewhere to be and he takes his leave of me.  He tells me again how he knows how the liberals are destroying this country and trots happily out the door to go along with his business.

He doesn't suspect a thing.  I put a bug in his shoe so I could listen to his phone calls.  I should be getting his emails soon.  One day, victory shall be mine....

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